Lifestyle

PM world implodes

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

FORMER prime minister Kevin Rutt has spat the dummy and quit Cabinet, blaming people with no faces, diphead diplomats and a Chinese interpreter.

The resignation has sparked a ballot for the prime ministership and a cavalcade of name calling and grown men whining like little girls.

The ballot will give the party a choice between a current unpopular leader who will be unpopular and politically wounded if she wins, and a former unpopular leader with no chance of uniting the party and who will be unpopular again within weeks if he wins.

Mr Rutt said he if he was returned to the prime ministership he would not have a Cabinet, instead allocating all portfolios to himself. He would meet with himself each morning and probably argue with himself a lot, including the use of four-letter words.

"This may not be ideal but on my current calculations there are approximately no current ministers prepared to serve with me in Cabinet," he said. "I will also have to get by without any staff because the likely candidates are all on stress leave or busy uploading damaging footage of me on YouTube."

Mr Rutt said he was determined to resume his agenda for Australia, including finishing his roll-out of tiny, Smurf-sized overpriced tuckshop buildings and restoring his program of controlled burning of suburban houses.

He said he would reserve the right to abuse staff when he got the wrong meat and would employ a full-time staff member to supply him with hairdryers.

Mr Rutt's move unleashed an unprecedented array of attacks from senior government figures who said they would rather be glued to Bronwyn Bishop than serve under the former leader.

Most vitriolic was the Treasurer Wayne Duck who described him as a "dimwitted, dipweed, dundohead with the personality of a speed bump".

Thirsty Cow is fiction. The events and people described are too bizarre to have any connection with real life.

Topics:  opinion political satire thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Could Goodna trio be world's dumbest crims?

WATCHING: Police used a Safe City Camera to monitor suspects.

Safe City camera was watching activities of suspects

School to open with no student bus service

STALLED: A designated school bus service is not in place for a school opening at Bellbird Park.

New Bellbird Park Secondary College students left high and dry

Scammers strike more often than hackers: IT specialist

SCAM ALERT: Australia Post published this fake email on its website on January, 11, 2017, warning people its a scam and not to click or past the link into your internet browser. 'Delete the email immediately'.

"Everything locks up; then a ransom note comes up."

Local Partners

Ed Sheeran wants Beyonce collaboration

Ed Sheeran wants to record a duet with Beyoncé.

Nicole Kidman squirms through questions on Keith

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

'God, you guys are personal ... that’s for him to talk about'

Mark Salling's child porn court date cancelled

Mark Salling's upcoming court hearing has been cancelled

Steve Carell pulls cruel prank on fans of the office

Steve Carrell decided to pull a cruel prank on fans of The Office

Lee Lin Chin's man-crazy, beer-loving side revealed

HAVE A BEER: Lee Lin Chin her tips and quips on life.

SBS newsreader Lee Lin Chin offers up satirical tips and quips.

Married at First Sight: M'boro dad to feature on reality TV

LOOKING FOR LOVE: Farmer Sean Hollands, 35, from Maryborough will feature on the upcoming new season of Married At First Sight.

A bull riding accident put everything into perspective for Sean.

HOT PROPERTY: Money to spend on land, buildings

File picture.

Sale, leasing of industrial real estate picks up in Mackay

Collapsed Coast company could owe up to $5 million

Staff, ATO, landlords among those out of pocket.

Ipswich block of dirt sells for $582 a square metre

JUST SOLD: A property on the Brookwater golf course sold for a record-breaking $612,000.

Property smashed 2007 record by close to $100,000

Sunday auction for historical home

Former Catholic school sure to attract spirited bidding

Looking back, looking ahead in Noosa

NEVER-ENDING GLORY: Looking towards Laguna Bay and Hastings St from Noosa National Park.

Natural appeal of Noosa continues to attract buyers

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!