FORMER prime minister Kevin Rutt has spat the dummy and quit Cabinet, blaming people with no faces, diphead diplomats and a Chinese interpreter.
The resignation has sparked a ballot for the prime ministership and a cavalcade of name calling and grown men whining like little girls.
The ballot will give the party a choice between a current unpopular leader who will be unpopular and politically wounded if she wins, and a former unpopular leader with no chance of uniting the party and who will be unpopular again within weeks if he wins.
Mr Rutt said he if he was returned to the prime ministership he would not have a Cabinet, instead allocating all portfolios to himself. He would meet with himself each morning and probably argue with himself a lot, including the use of four-letter words.
"This may not be ideal but on my current calculations there are approximately no current ministers prepared to serve with me in Cabinet," he said. "I will also have to get by without any staff because the likely candidates are all on stress leave or busy uploading damaging footage of me on YouTube."
Mr Rutt said he was determined to resume his agenda for Australia, including finishing his roll-out of tiny, Smurf-sized overpriced tuckshop buildings and restoring his program of controlled burning of suburban houses.
He said he would reserve the right to abuse staff when he got the wrong meat and would employ a full-time staff member to supply him with hairdryers.
Mr Rutt's move unleashed an unprecedented array of attacks from senior government figures who said they would rather be glued to Bronwyn Bishop than serve under the former leader.
Most vitriolic was the Treasurer Wayne Duck who described him as a "dimwitted, dipweed, dundohead with the personality of a speed bump".
Thirsty Cow is fiction. The events and people described are too bizarre to have any connection with real life.