Lifestyle

Carp coy about new rut

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

THE Federal Government has renovated an old leader and sent him overseas to make irrelevant and self-righteous utterings about international issues on behalf of Australia.

Former NSW premier Bob Carp has been appointed Foreign Minister in a reshuffle after leadership wrangling in the ALP.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she did not think it was a problem that Mr Carp was not in the actual parliament, had never been a federal minister and wouldn't stop talking.

"I chose Bob because in bad light he looks a bit like former foreign minister Kevin Rutt," she explained.

"I'm hoping that nobody overseas will notice the difference. To Europeans all Australians look alike."

Mr Carp said he was "deeply humbled and somewhat confused" by the appointment.

"I was on the veranda in my slippers and talking to my faithful pooch Fernando when suddenly I was being surrounded by faceless men and bundled into a jumbo jet," he explained.

"Within minutes the distinctive and fundamentally irritating voice of Julia Gizzard raised me from the slumber and scared the living bejeezers out of me. I don't really know much about Australian foreign policy but, based on what I have seen of my predecessor, if I just swan around looking self-important and wear the funny shirts I will do just fine."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clintock welcomed "the new guy" and thanked "that other guy with the glasses" for his contribution "or whatever it was he did".

Mr Carp said he could not afford to knock back the offer.

"Frankly the NSW Parliamentary pension barely keeps me in Old Spice and don't get me started on the price of bananas," he said.

He said he would seek Mr Rutt's advice on some matters, such as Australia's relations with the Brisbane suburb of Bulimba and the best restaurants in Prague.

The reshuffle followed Mr Rutt's bid for the prime ministership in which he fell well short of the numbers required to take the leadership.

"I have subsequently been advised that I probably should have counted the numbers before I made a right nana of myself in Washington," he said later.

Thirsty Cow is fiction.

Topics:  opinion, political satire, thirsty cow


Join the Community.

Get your local news, your way.

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

BUDGET 2016: Tax cuts for firms pulling in up to $10m

Australian Federal Treasurer Scott Morrison speaks at the despatch box during the delivery of the 2016-17 Federal Budget in the House of Representatives at Parliament House in Canberra,

It will cost the federal government $5.3 billion in lost revenue

Aerospace future up for talks

Ipswich will be included in workshops to discuss an aerospace hub

Did Federal Budget forget about Queensland?

Queensland Treasurer Curtis Pitt says we've been forgotten.

Queensland short-changed by at least $1 billion in federal budget

Latest deals and offers

New edition of teaching book

Serviceton South State School teacher Alan Cockerill has just completed translating one of his favourite books to English.

BUDGET 2016: Tax cuts for firms pulling in up to $10m

Australian Federal Treasurer Scott Morrison speaks at the despatch box during the delivery of the 2016-17 Federal Budget in the House of Representatives at Parliament House in Canberra,

It will cost the federal government $5.3 billion in lost revenue

Aerospace future up for talks

Ipswich will be included in workshops to discuss an aerospace hub

Did Federal Budget forget about Queensland?

Queensland Treasurer Curtis Pitt says we've been forgotten.

Queensland short-changed by at least $1 billion in federal budget

Budget 2016: Upper-middle Aussie will get the rewards

Smokers will be hit with hefty increases in taxes over the next four years.

Small businesses and big earners to get tax cuts

A smarter way to beat Australia's $53b congestion

Regional capitals service more than 4 million in Australia

NYPD join dance challenge

New York Police respond to NZ dance challenge.

New York's finest accept Kiwi dance challenge.

NZ Police Issue Dance Challenge

NZ Police doing the running man dance.

Video of NZ Police doing the running man dance and challenging police forces around...

Dash cam as car rolls dodging rabbit

A car rolls over after dodging a rabbit.

This is why they say don't swerve for wildlife.

Demand for acreage lots pushes up property prices

Property values in Cooroy have increased 25%

Property values jump in Cooroy and Peachester.

How a sacked real estate agent made $725k in four months

Agent is now under investigation by the industry watchdog

RBA warns of future apartment oversupply

Toowoomba: Crest Apartments and Burke & Wills, Ruthven Street ( view from Neil Street) Photo Bev Lacey / The Chronicle

RBA says oversupply of apartments poses risk to household finances